*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.


“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently


An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.


Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.


[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn


“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”


I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.


Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that