Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

They say women only use 10% of their anger

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

Dune (2021)

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise