*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m having an out of money experience.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes