Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers