Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

“Sheer Arrogance”

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.