*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden