[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.