[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?