Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.