[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
😂😂
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!