*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Too easy.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?