Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Damn what did I do next
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.