Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Aaaa…CHOO!

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.