*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show