Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

😾

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

My what?

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

My plans: 2020:

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.