[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Breaking news:
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*