Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

one of

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.