Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

incredible

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

#SuperBowl

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?