*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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The best shot in the history of golf
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.