Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LMAO.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.