Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Stop it! 😂
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious