@LnL245

*Pulls out pin*

*Throws fire extinguisher*

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@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@PaperWash

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

@peteholmes

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@DontTouchMyWine

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.