*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
*Pulls out pin*
*Throws fire extinguisher*
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don’t have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.