Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmfaoooooo

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

My safe word is Worcestershire

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.