Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Yoga Matt

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

It’s an epidemic…

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.