*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.