Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”