*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
🤯🤯🤯
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer