Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Can. I. Help. You.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.