*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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6: are snakes just neck?
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
True
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what