*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
is he marrying that labradoodle
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Sing it!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
thoughts?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.