*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
i now pronounce you bounced.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
who’s gonna tell her?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude