*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Name another movie that mislead you?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
What flavor cupcake are these
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Breaking news:
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet