[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
i would lose weight but i hate losing
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.
This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.