@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

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@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@Fred_Delicious

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

@DCpierson

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@thatUPSdude

10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.

@onelongbender

This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.