*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button



Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”


Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.


10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.


This woman at work sounds just like me. I’m going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice.