*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being