Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.