Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rise and shine we got egg

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.