*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

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Yesterday the nurse at the CVS walk-in clinic asked me who my primary care physician was and I’m like baby I’m at the CVS walk in clinic, it is clearly you


God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it


PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.


I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.


They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.


The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.


Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.