@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

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@eawilliamson

Yesterday the nurse at the CVS walk-in clinic asked me who my primary care physician was and I’m like baby I’m at the CVS walk in clinic, it is clearly you

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@DadandBuried

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

@Eightinchgoat

The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@Dre_77_

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.