Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.