*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower