*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate