Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time