Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”