*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
You Might Also Like
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.