Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

#oldknees

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.