*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
No, he would not have.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
That lamp looks PISSED.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.