*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection