°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
You Might Also Like
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
What happened to the other hiker??!
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no