Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels