Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Matt Goss

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are