Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

それは草

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.