‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
They got Raph!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*