[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
🐿️
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!