[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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#ProTip
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.