[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
lost dog
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door