[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye