Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
@funTweeters
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?