Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
still the best tweet of the year by far
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
i feel so bad i refunded him
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Yes, but it was never about money
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
pain
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep