Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.