Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.