Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.