“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom