Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You Might Also Like
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I WON A HAM TODAY
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.