Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

That lamp looks PISSED.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

All. The. Damn. Time.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better