Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Breaking news:

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

It’s an epidemic…

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.