Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.