Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.