[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”