Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

I might give this a try 😏

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

my nickname in college

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme